המחשבות שלי על להיות אמא...

When I was a little girl, one of the things I’d written on my “things I want to do before I die” list was to be someone’s mommy. Then my teenage years (and Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)) dawned upon me, and the idea gradually became just writing on a piece of paper. Shortly before I married, a visit to a doctor confirmed my worst fears: “your chances of conceiving are very slim”. I remember crying myself to sleep that night but after much thought I realized that whether I’d have children or not was in the Hands of the Almighty Creator alone.

Each week throughout my pregnancy, I’ve religiously been plotting my unborn child’s development and I am struck by this question: can the human mind even perceive the miracles and greatness of Allah’s creations? I think it is for this reason that, what He creates in the womb is concealed from human sight because surely we’d go insane if we were able to see how a baby develops. What further astounds me is that the Qur’aan described, more than 1400 years ago, in detail how human life is formed and shaped inside the mother’s womb:

“…We have created you (כְּלוֹמַר. אדם) from dust, then from a Nutfah (mixed drops of male and female sexual discharge i.e. offspring of Adam), then from a clot (a piece of thick coagulated blood) then from a little lump of flesh, some formed and some unformed (miscarriage), that We may make (זה) clear to you (כְּלוֹמַר. to show you Our Power and Ability to do what We will). And We cause whom We will to remain in the wombs for an appointed term, then We bring you out as infants, לאחר מכן (give you growth) that you may reach your age of full strength…” [Surat al-Hajj, פָּסוּק 5]

It is now that my mother’s words ring in my head: “You never fully value your mother until you become one”. And so here I stand now – on the cusp of motherhood, feelings of inexplicable joy, anxiety and a plethora of other emotions overtake me. Am I dreaming or am I really carrying a little human being inside me? Every time I feel the kicks and jabs from my little person, I am overcome with such raw emotion that I am often driven to tears. My miracle baby! It is as if everything I do or say, and every thought I have, revolve around my child. Not a single Duaa is made, that I don’t beg Allah (S.W.T) to grant me a healthy, normal baby Insha’Allah. Even the frequent trips to the bathroom, the interrupted sleep and discomforts are all worth it!

The incredible love that I already feel for my unborn baby far exceeds what my words could ever begin to describe. I thank Allah every single day for this little blessing growing within me, and I am certain that the highlight of my life will be the first time I hold my child in my arms. This little being will be dependent on me for all its basic needs, and as daunting as that seems, I look forward to being primary care-giver to my precious charge. I haven’t met my baby as yet but I am convinced that this is what unconditional love is all about.

I know that once my child enters my world, my life as I know it will never ever be the same again. I am going to be a mother and in my opinion, this the biggest honor and the greatest title I could ever hold.

זוגיות טהורה

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